Previously on Chwineka Watches:
So, that’s it? A dark, grim, tragic, solo Batman movie. Nothing colorful, nothing campy, nothing silly; a Batman movie like that would never work and the mainstream wouldn’t enjoy it. Well… about that…
Some of you had to know what was coming. Holy Throwback Thursday, Batman! It’s Adam West and Burt Ward in Batman ’66! After a yacht vanishes before their eyes and a shark explodes, Batman and Robin know that this is the work of (at least) one of their greatest enemies. The whole situation is fishy, so it’s the Penguin! It happened at sea, and “C” stands for Catwoman! The shark was “pulling” Batman’s leg, so the Joker! And it all adds up to a sinister riddle… Riddle-r? The Riddler! If you haven’t seen this, I want you to know that every one of these amazing leaps in logic are straight from the movie and take place over a 10 second sequence. And they’re not the most ridiculous part. This movie is amazing.
Anyway, Bruce falls for the journalist Kitayna Ireyna Tatanya Kerenska Alisoff, known as Kitka for the rest of the movie. But she’s really Catwoman in disguise! The villains have teamed up to steal an invention that can dehydrate a person so all that’s left is a pile of colored sand, and after a couple false starts decide to use it on the United World Organization’s Security Council and ransom them back to their countries for $1 billion each. Eat your heart out, Dr. Evil. Some batcharges and a fight atop a submarine later, the villains are captured and the Security Council’s vials of colored sand are accidentally mixed together! Nothing the Caped Crusader can’t fix, and soon enough the Council is back to being people again. They just… now each speak another country’s language. Batman and Robin declare the day to be saved and make a hasty retreat.
This movie is bonkers. It pulls from old serial adventures in that the Dynamic Duo is put in life threatening situations and are saved by the dumbest things. A porpoise takes a torpedo from them! Their helicopter lands on a giant pile of foam! The bomb was safely disposed of, just off screen, don’t worry about it! But this movie is a cult classic. Hell, the Batman TV show has become a cult classic. Mia Wallace and Vincent Vega even do the Batusi in Pulp Fiction! So what happened to silly Batman adventures? When did we decide Batman pulling out Bat-insert-deus-ex-machina-here is only good for comics and cartoons? Basically, when did we stop having fun? I don’t have an answer to that, but I blame Zack Snyder.
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