★★★ Accidentally My 500th Review ★★★
Have you ever seen a movie that haunted you so much that you just had to sit down at your computer and write a post about it, despite still technically being on a hiatus? No? Just me? Then I guess you haven’t seen Amityville Hex, a movie that I’ll either forget next week or will remember until the day I die. There is no in-between.
Also this has nothing to do with the Amityville Horror house, but if you know anything about bad horror movies, that shouldn’t surprise you. Why yes, I did watch this after inflicting Amityville: Mt. Misery Road on my friends! What a trainwreck of a double feature…
COVID was a fucked up time. While most of us slowly lost our minds in the privacy of our own homes, some people were famous enough to document their decline for the world to see–John Lennon’s “Imagine” has been irrevocably tainted for me… And then there’s YouTubers, who already have a form of brainrot (I say with all the love and respect I can). That’s what Amityville Hex is–niche YouTubers recording themselves repeating the titular Amityville Hex and then going insane from the curse. It’s more a compilation than an anthology, and hoo boy, not all the people in this have the same acting skills. Mr. Shawn C Phillips–who I know from a plethora of the lowest budget horror movies you’ve never heard of–comes out on top just because he throws everything he has into his performance, screaming at his YouTube followers while stripping in his garage before beating himself to death with a hammer. Well, rubber mallet and the blows are edited so you can tell he wasn’t actually hitting himself that hard, but still. The man absolutely was working through some personal shit and managed to catch it on film for our viewing… pleasure? Andrew De Leon is probably the best actor in it in part because it’s clear he shot his scenes over several days, letting his facial hair grow as his sanity wanes. And apparently he was on America’s Got Talent with goth contact lenses singing opera? Huh. I feel like I should’ve known about this guy before now.
But for every high, there must be a low, and so this movie also has a lot of really, really bad actors. Tony Newton playing James–the British one–was just bad. Nothing exceptionally offensive, but just… he had no idea how to act in front of a camera. The same cannot be said for Rheanon Nicole, who has several movies under her belt. It’s just a shame that despite that she’s a bad actress, her segments went on way too long, and the guy she takes an agonizingly slow time to kill appears to have some sort of intellectual disability. Was he acting? Not sure! Still super uncomfortable. Also, for some unknown reason one of Rheanon’s segments included what can only be described as a haunted blender in her kitchen. It’s digitally inserted, looks like shit, and is never seen or mentioned again after it disappears.
And shoutouts to the middle include Mercedes (no last name given) playing Hellen and her segment Hell on Earth who had some fun with her vlog costuming, stunt actor George Stover getting run over by his lawnmower–complete with a bloody, scalped replica of his head and torso–and Troma Entertainment co-founder Lloyd Kaufman, who ends the movie by mocking the evil chant. Certainly a choice, but it more-or-less fits the vibes.
So should you watch this with friends and make fun of it? Maybe! The parts that drag are the fucking worst, but there are some moments that are hilarious. Rarely on purpose, but so it goes sometimes. All in all it’s incredibly hard to recommend based on how baffling it is. Thanks, Tubi! No, I won’t say if that’s sarcasm or not!
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