Saw 3D (2010)

I know I’m getting more and more exasperated with these Saw movies during Saw-mhain, but you guys, they’re getting so bad. Saw 3D was the worst one I’ve seen up to this point in the franchise, and that’s really saying something! This was supposed to be the end of an era, answering all the lingering questions viewers have had since the first Saw. But really all I’m left with is questions. Or, really, just one: why bother?

Remember Dr. Lawrence Gordon? He’s from the first movie! The film opens with confirmation that he did indeed escape the bathroom and survived at least long enough to attempt to cauterize his stump leg. Then we cut to one of the most baffling death traps in the franchise yet: two guys have buzzsaws in front of them with their ladyfriend suspended over a third. She’s been playing both of them–people with a keen eye for horror movie morality play tropes already know who’s going to die–but the baffling part is that this is happening in public. Behind protective glass, sure, but random passersby watch in horror as the two guys decide they’ve had enough of the girl’s vaginal sorcery. Does any of this matter? Depends!

Over with plot points that matter, Hoffman has survived Jill’s attempt on his life and chases after her. She escapes and turns to Internal Affairs detective Matt Gibson (Mr. Chad Donella), a former coworker of Hoffman. In exchange for immunity, Jill gives the cops all the evidence they need to pin Jigsaw-related murders on the corrupt cop. But Hoffman’s doing more than taunting the cops and demanding they turn over Jill–he’s also… wait… Is that Chester Bennington of Linkin Park? That’s one of my favorite bands! Maybe this movie isn’t so bad after–aaaaaaand he’s a white supremacist who fails his test, killing his racist buddies and then dying himself. Fantastic. I hate everything.

As if that all wasn’t enough, the story focuses on Bobby Dagen (Sean Patrick Flanery, AKA Connor from The Boondock Saints), a survivor of a Jigsaw trap that has turned his experiences into a self-help book tour. The thing is, he’s a liar, and the new Jigsaw is upset by this. Or maybe the real Jigsaw was and Hoffman’s just following orders? Anyway, the main trap is Bobby failing to save those close to him, including his wife who didn’t know the truth. Yawn. Moving on.

Yadda yadda yadda, Gibson dies and Hoffman storms the precinct, killing everyone in his way. The psycho puts Jill in the same reverse bear trap she put him in, but she’s unable to escape and dies. You’d think the movie would end with Hoffman getting away, but we need one last twist to wrap up everything: turns out Jigsaw’s true heir is… Dr. Gordon! Yup, the doctor has for some reason worked with the psycho killer ever since he escaped his own trap, as we see him surgically place a key behind the eye of the guy from Saw II as well as stitch the eyes shut of the guy from Saw IV. Disapproving of Hoffman, Dr. Gordon locks the ex-cop in the bathroom, presumably leaving him to die. And so the franchise ends… until Jigsaw 7 years later.

Also, remember those two guys from the beginning? Apparently a deleted scene explicitly showed they were Gordon’s masked flunkies, so their inclusion only matters if you’re the kind of person who looks up trivia on a movie. Like me!

Saw 3D really tested my patience, going hard on the idea that there are survivors of Jigsaw’s traps that feel like the experience made them a better person. Dr. Gordon clearly falls into that camp since he’s been Jigsaw’s secret assistant all this time, but the whole thing just doesn’t feel believable. There’s no word on whether Lawrence ever reunited with his family, as the montage we see of him working with John Kramer indicates that he came to work with the killer over time (and possibly captivity). So this was your grand ending? This was your attempt to wrap up all the plot threads left dangling since the beginning? This, the cheapest looking of the entire franchise thus far? Fucking sucks, writers Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, who were also behind Saw IV, Saw V, and Saw VI. You’re bad at your job. Please don’t make another Saw movie ever again. Thankfully I have a Hostel movie to get to before that, giving me a brief break from this soggy franchise.

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Next: Jigsaw (2017)