When I was compiling a list of potential movies for a month full of “the worst ever,” there was only one movie that made me shudder every time I remembered it existed. Now, I use a lot of hyperbolic language on this blog, but I need you to understand something: I mean that literally. Every time I thought about Ms. Paris Hilton’s The Hottie & the Nottie, I physically shuddered. Out of ALL the movies I gathered links to, this was the one I dreaded the most. But here we are, for better or worse.
Nate (Mr. Joel David Moore, AKA the “funny” one from Avatar) never got over a crush he had when he was 6 years old, so twenty years later he drives across the country to stalk Cristabel (Paris Hilton). We’re supposed to find this charming and/or funny. Cristabel likes Nate for… some reason, but she won’t hook up with anyone unless her dear friend June (Christine Lakin) also gets a boyfriend. The main problem with this is that June is ugly. Now, I don’t mean “she has frizzy hair and wears glasses, but one makeover later and she’s gorgeous” kind of ugly, but borderline freakishly ugly. She has deformed teeth, she’s balding, she has at least one infected toenail, and she has rashes and hair everywhere. She’s a mess. After some “hilarious” hijinks of trying to find a man for June, a male model named Johann shows up and is wowed by her. Nate thinks Johann is actually trying to get with Cristabel, so he makes a complete ass of himself. After several INTENSIVE makeovers (like, her teeth had to be filed down), June is now conventionally attractive. But oh no, now Nate has feelings for her! And extra oh no, Johann doesn’t actually love June but just wants to have sex with her! Excuse me for not seeing this as a life or death situation. Anyway, Nate and June hook up. Hooray.
I can see what this movie was trying to do–I mean, beyond it being a pseudo-remake of There’s Something About Mary. But hot damn was the execution a shitshow. For example, an early flashback shows young Nate about to give a valentine to Cristabel, but notices that June hasn’t received any. We see the continuation of the flashback in the third act, showing that Nate instead made a valentine for June, and that she kept it after all these years. What a touching moment, the movie wants me to believe. They formed a connection way back then! Buuuuut… I guess the writers forgot that entire premise of the movie was Nate wanting to get into Cristabel’s pants, so he pretends to be nice to June. That’s what this valentine was. There’s no heart here.
The one thing I can give this movie is that Christine Lakin didn’t suck. June has a somewhat interesting character arc and has hidden depths, mostly stemming from a lifetime of rejection. Granted, this just means that she’s snarky and gets over it pretty quickly when she’s beautiful, but whatever. At least she tried acting! Joel David Moore is bland and Paris Hilton is just awful. The only movie I’ve seen where she was decent was Repo! The Genetic Opera, and even there she’s just playing an exaggerated (arguably) version of herself: a spoiled heiress who thinks she’s a better performer than she is. There she leaned into her public perception, but here she’s supposed to be the most desirable thing to every man around her and it just… doesn’t work.
She also farts a couple times while sloppy drunk. It’s later revealed to be an act with a whoopie cushion, but I still saw Paris Hilton loudly fart. Some things will haunt you for the rest of your days, and I fear her farts will follow me to the grave.
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