Dreamcatcher (2003)

Movie adaptations of Mr. Stephen King’s books are really hit or miss. Some like The Shining become classics, while others like The Langoliers have flying walnuts with teeth. I feel like Dreamcatcher is closer to the latter, mostly because the aliens here are fungal dick snakes with vagina dentata mouths that burst out of your ass.

I specifically made the “freudian” tag for this movie. I doubt it will be the last time I use it.

The story involves four friends who gained psychic powers when they were younger from another kid who may or may not be an alien (he is). Years later they come across those dick snakes I mentioned before. Fun fact, the government calls them “shit weasels,” so… I don’t feel I’m too off base calling them “dick snakes.” Anyway, half of the friends get killed, one gets possessed by the alien fungus–but still retains a sense of self through his psychic powers–and the last is Mr. Thomas “he was once the Punisher” Jane. Opposing him are the aliens trying to spread their influence/infection and a subdivision of the United States military specifically trained to fight these aliens, led by Morgan Freeman with a flat top and the fakest eyebrows I’ve ever seen.

To put it lightly, this movie is a mess. On one hand we have the body horror of being completely taken over by these aliens–who have apparently been trying to conquer Earth since Roswell–but on the other we have a copious amount of fart jokes, the broken English of an alien acting like a human with down syndrome, and the possessed guy doing a Malcolm McDowell impression. The aliens vaguely sexual in nature and absolutely inspired by HR Giger (the government calls the aliens “Ripleys,” a direct reference to Alien), but they burst out of your ass and look ridiculous. 2003-era special effects weren’t always the best.

But this was directed and adapted by the guy who wrote the screenplays for Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back and Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi! He also directed Raiders of the Lost Ark! And the other guy who worked on the screenplay wrote The Princess Bride, both novel AND adaptation! Why didn’t this movie work? Was there something wrong with the source material? What, was Stephen King high on Oxycontin while writing it?

Oh, he was? Well that explains a lot.

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