The Wolves of Kromer (1998)

I honestly don’t remember how I first heard about this movie. It’s pretty low budget and stars no one you’ve heard of (one actress was “Historian’s Wife” in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and another was Jira from Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace who I had to look up because who the actual fuck is that). Well, Boy George is the occasional narrator, but they had him in the studio for, like, an hour. Anyway, it’s a weird little story about wolves. Or gay men. Or gay wolves.

We follow Gabriel and Seth. They’re not homosexuals wearing fur coats, having tails, and living in the woods! They’re wolves! The movie’s premise shows how unsubtle everything is. Anyway, we follow them on the outskirts of a small town, feared and hated by the locals. They’re blamed for the death of an old woman which causes the townsfolk, led by the priest, to hunt them down. There’s even a villager dressed as a klansman, which is… certainly a decision. Both wolves are eventually killed by the priest–who is revealed to have a tail himself because of course he does, nothing subtle here–and the movie ends with the duo dancing in Heaven to Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit in the Sky” with… the dead old lady who… hm.

Okay, so the movie’s not quite as simple as that. There’s this whole other plot that barely connects with our gays/wolves. See, the dead old lady was actually killed by a pair of elderly caregivers who are equal parts ridiculous and evil. They blame the death on the wolves and almost get away with it, but the dead woman’s mother in law keeps asking questions and eventually catches the old ladies in the act of gloating/confessing. There’s also the granddaughter who sleeps with Seth, the grandson who doesn’t understand why wolves are bad, and a bunch of other largely unnecessary characters.

I’ve been led to believe this was originally a play, and I guess that makes sense? It’s all just very… simple. Wolves equal the gays, and we treat the protagonists as half-and-half; German, shirtless techno parties by the water and comments on how huge Seth’s eyes are. It’s certainly cute, but wouldn’t leave much of an impression except for how weird it is. Hence me rewatching it, and now you reading this.

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