What Keeps You Alive (2018)

Happy Pride Month, everybody! June will be dedicated to movies with overly queer content or were made by queer creators (a distinction that will come up later). I'm going to start this all off by doing something different: I enjoyed What Keeps You Alive. It has moments where the story has problems if you think about the implications too hard, but it's a tense thriller that had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. That being said, the trailer revealed way too much--they always do--and while not spoiling everything, I'm going to talk a lot about the story in this post. So if you want to see a thriller about a woman discovering what secrets her wife has been keeping from her, go check it out on Netflix. And with that out of the way, let's dive in!

The Field Guide to Evil (2018)

I think this is the first anthology I've reviewed on the blog? The only other time I've used that tag was with The Star Wars Holiday Special, and that was mostly a "for lack of a better word" situation. The Field Guide to Evil is a horror anthology that focuses on multicultural folklore, broadening our horizons by showcasing creatures and demons from around the world. But unfortunately for this film, not every story is told as well as the others. There were some shorts I loved, and others that just left me feeling meh.

It Waits (2005)

Is it weird to say that I missed watching bad movies? Probably, but back when I could safely have people over at my place (what seems like a hundred years ago), bad movies were the staple of Movie Night. We'd sit around and riff on them, finding enjoyment more through our own senses of humor than whatever lame thing was on the screen. But I watched this alone, with only my growing disappointment as company. I swear we watched It Waits a decade ago--literally this time--but all I could remember was hating a parrot? Turns out that's all that's memorable about this direct-to-DVD flick.

Feast (2005)

Do you ever watch a movie and immediately forget the characters' names? Like, the Friday the 13th reboot was about... uh... Mr. Jared Padalecki looking for... someone, and uh... okay, I remember one of the stoners was named "Chewie," but that's it. Gun to my head I couldn't tell you any of the others' names. Well it's not just me, because that issue is addressed by Feast and its sequels! We have characters with descriptive names that tell you everything you need to know, like Bartender, Beer Guy (Judah Friedlander), Honey Pie, and... Jason Mewes (Jason Mewes)? You get the idea.

The Lighthouse (2016)

Today's film is... wait a second... The Lighthouse? Didn't I already cover that in October? This must be a different movie with the same title, then. Lemme read the description: "Two men fight for their lives and their sanity when they're trapped in a remote lighthouse for months while a freak storm rages and tragedy strikes." Huh. That, uh... That sure does sound like The Lighthouse. But this came out a few years before and stars no names I recognize--the two leads here were in Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi as "Captain Whose Seige Dreadnought Gets Bombed at the Start" and "Shuttle Pilot Who Looks Worried when Kylo Ren Demands More." So, uh... I guess we should see how this movie differs from the one you've actually heard of.

The Descent (2005)

Surprise, bitches! I don't know why I said that, you are lovely readers and I treasure each and every one of you. Anyway, this is a super extra bonus post! Did you really think that I would end October on a meh film like Children of the Corn: Runaway? Hell no! I saved my favorite horror movie of all time for a special Saturday/Halloween post! At least that's the excuse as to why I waited 10 months to talk about The Descent.

Children of the Corn (2009)

We are so close to finishing October of the Corn... And October too, but this spooky month doesn't exhaust me like these last few Children of the Corn movies do, and the remake to 1984's Children of the Corn is no exception. This film is far more faithful to the original short story, but at what cost? For me the cost is that it's an absolute slog to get through. So without further ado...

The Lighthouse (2019)

What's this? A surprise Thursday post? That's right, it's time for another month-long event! Every weekday in October I'll have a horror movie post ready for you, dear reader(s). In previous years I've done personal things like "Chwineka Watches 31 Netflix Horror Movies for October" (or CW31NHMO for short), but ain't nobody got time for posting EVERY day. Also I have far more streaming services at my fingertips, so movies will be coming from all over the internet. Anyway, let's start the month off with something actually good: Robert Eggers' second movie, The Lighthouse.

Devil’s Gate (2018)

Have you noticed that a good chunk of horror media uses easily recognizable creatures but avoids naming them as such? Like, those aren't zombies in The Walking Dead; they're "walkers" or "biters" or whatever. In 28 Days Later they're called "the infected." And in 2007's I Am Legend those aren't "vampires;" they're... actually I don't know what those creatures are supposed to be, but they're vampires in the source material. What I'm trying to say is I didn't hear the word "alien" in this movie until about an hour and 22 minutes in, despite just about everyone watching the movie realizing early on this is about aliens. The trailer's even less subtle!

Cold Creepy Feeling (2010)

I know I complained about it in the Paranormal Investigation post, but man, movies about ghosts with absolutely no special effects suck. I guess it can rarely work--The Blair Witch Project, while not about a ghost per say, has no special effects and is amazing--but no effects AND a complete lack of effort a bad movie make. Throw in a title like Cold Creepy Feeling--sometimes called Cold Creepy Feeling: Paranormal Exorcism for unknown reason--and we have a hat trick of suck.