Do you ever watch a movie and immediately forget the characters' names? Like, the Friday the 13th reboot was about... uh... Mr. Jared Padalecki looking for... someone, and uh... okay, I remember one of the stoners was named "Chewie," but that's it. Gun to my head I couldn't tell you any of the others' names. Well it's not just me, because that issue is addressed by Feast and its sequels! We have characters with descriptive names that tell you everything you need to know, like Bartender, Beer Guy (Judah Friedlander), Honey Pie, and... Jason Mewes (Jason Mewes)? You get the idea.
Today's film is... wait a second... The Lighthouse? Didn't I already cover that in October? This must be a different movie with the same title, then. Lemme read the description: "Two men fight for their lives and their sanity when they're trapped in a remote lighthouse for months while a freak storm rages and tragedy strikes." Huh. That, uh... That sure does sound like The Lighthouse. But this came out a few years before and stars no names I recognize--the two leads here were in Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi as "Captain Whose Seige Dreadnought Gets Bombed at the Start" and "Shuttle Pilot Who Looks Worried when Kylo Ren Demands More." So, uh... I guess we should see how this movie differs from the one you've actually heard of.
Surprise, bitches! I don't know why I said that, you are lovely readers and I treasure each and every one of you. Anyway, this is a super extra bonus post! Did you really think that I would end October on a meh film like Children of the Corn: Runaway? Hell no! I saved my favorite horror movie of all time for a special Saturday/Halloween post! At least that's the excuse as to why I waited 10 months to talk about The Descent.
We are so close to finishing October of the Corn... And October too, but this spooky month doesn't exhaust me like these last few Children of the Corn movies do, and the remake to 1984's Children of the Corn is no exception. This film is far more faithful to the original short story, but at what cost? For me the cost is that it's an absolute slog to get through. So without further ado...
What's this? A surprise Thursday post? That's right, it's time for another month-long event! Every weekday in October I'll have a horror movie post ready for you, dear reader(s). In previous years I've done personal things like "Chwineka Watches 31 Netflix Horror Movies for October" (or CW31NHMO for short), but ain't nobody got time for posting EVERY day. Also I have far more streaming services at my fingertips, so movies will be coming from all over the internet. Anyway, let's start the month off with something actually good: Robert Eggers' second movie, The Lighthouse.
Have you noticed that a good chunk of horror media uses easily recognizable creatures but avoids naming them as such? Like, those aren't zombies in The Walking Dead; they're "walkers" or "biters" or whatever. In 28 Days Later they're called "the infected." And in 2007's I Am Legend those aren't "vampires;" they're... actually I don't know what those creatures are supposed to be, but they're vampires in the source material. What I'm trying to say is I didn't hear the word "alien" in this movie until about an hour and 22 minutes in, despite just about everyone watching the movie realizing early on this is about aliens. The trailer's even less subtle!
I know I complained about it in the Paranormal Investigation post, but man, movies about ghosts with absolutely no special effects suck. I guess it can rarely work--The Blair Witch Project, while not about a ghost per say, has no special effects and is amazing--but no effects AND a complete lack of effort a bad movie make. Throw in a title like Cold Creepy Feeling--sometimes called Cold Creepy Feeling: Paranormal Exorcism for unknown reason--and we have a hat trick of suck.
I know that one or two of you were expecting an X-Men: First Class review to happen this week, but I need a break from big budget franchises (not stopping Mummy Mondays though, sorry not sorry). Why watch movies that people have actually heard of when I can go back to talking about the weirdest shit no one but me cares about? Gotta stick to my brand! With that out of the way, today I'm talking about a movie I've mentioned previously on this blog: Honeymoon.
Is this really the first zombie movie I’ve reviewed here? Huh. Makes sense, as it’s not my favorite horror subgenre and I don’t own many zombie movies, but it’s still a bit surprising. But Dead & Breakfast is not just a zombie movie, though! It’s a horror comedy about an undead spirit possessing the inhabitants of a tiny town, trying to murder everyone they come across and adding the bodies to its growing army. There’s also a zombie line dancing sequence. But let’s start at the beginning.
This is–apparently–a very divisive movie. Looking up online ratings and reviews, it sure seems like most of the people who watched YellowBrickRoad hated it. But I don’t get that at all; I adore this movie, warts and all.