I've seen all ten Hellraiser movies before, but most of them were a long time ago. I remembered the first two adhering to Mr. Clive Barker's vision and being pretty good, the last two were absolute dog shit, and the ones in the middle were hit or miss. So I went into Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth not expecting much. They're brining back Pinhead after his noble sacrifice in Hellbound: Hellraiser II? Already starting on a bad foot. But turns out this was better than I remember, in part because it has something intersting to say about abusive relationships.
Django is an unusual name, isn't it? The only people I knew with that name were characters in westerns--white Django in 1966's Django and black Django in Django Unchained--or the genetic base for Boba Fett. Yes, I know that one's actually Jango, but still. Turns out it's a Romani name, which makes using it for a western hero extra unusual. Why pick that name out of all the ones available? It's almost like there was some famous person named Django that the filmmakers were referencing, but what are the odds of that?
Once upon a time, I found out that a friend of mine was a big fan of the movie Beethoven. You know, the one about the big, slobbery dog? Anyway it turns out it had more sequels than you would expect, so I bought him a DVD collection as a gift to him and punishment to everyone else at Movie Night. But then COVID hit and Movie Night disbanded for over a year. But once we started back up, the Beethoven movies were back on the menu! Until a few weeks ago when more COVID shenanigans started preventing us from watching the final film. I'm not saying that this DVD collection started the coronavirus, but I do think it's a cursed object, here to inflict suffering and ruin unto our world.
It wasn't my intention to avoid the main Star Wars movies; it's just that covering all nine is an event all to itself. And then the question becomes in what order do I watch them? Chronologically (1-9)? By release (4-6, 1-3, 7-9)? Flashback mode (4&5, 1-3, 6-9)? And what about Rogue One and Solo? But that's a problem for future Chwineka, and fuck that guy. Today we're talking about Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure, a made-for-TV kids film featuring everyone's favorite Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi characters, the ewoks. What, you didn't love the ewoks? Well too bad.
I really need to stop slacking off. My list of films that I've referenced on this blog but haven't gotten around to currently has 330 movies, and that's not even including any movies I've mentioned in the last week or so. So let's bite the bullet and roll the digital equivalent of a 330-sided die! And we get... #138. That is... Henry V by Mr. Kenneth Branagh. I mentioned this in my Thor review, didn't I? Good to know I'm predictable, at least. Anyway, let's get Shakespearean up in here!
I feel like I don't review enough older movies on this here blog. So far this year, I've reviewed 6 movies that came out before the year 2000, and four of those were from the 1990's. Sure, these more recent movies are of a different quality compared to that of older films--both in production value and content--but that doesn't mean that there aren't some amazing old movies! And Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter is... okay, maybe not one of the greats, but it was a perfectly passable film!
I'm starting this post with an aside. I live in in the Pacific Northwest in part due to its moderate weather. Well, it's supposed to be 100° the day I'm writing this, and we're on track for 110° on Monday, the day this goes live. So, uh, if I suddenly stop posting, it's because I died of heat stroke.
I want to open this post by saying that this is probably my favorite Zack Snyder movie. I know I said that about Sucker Punch, and I still need to revisit 300 and Watchmen to see how I feel about them, but yeah, this is my new favorite of his. Army of the Dead is a zombie film apparently unrelated to Snyder's Dawn of the Dead remake, but it's a fun zombie heist flick to turn your brain off while watching. Unfortunately, my brain is stuck in the "on" position, so there are some things I want to talk about.
So here we are, a week later. I started this mini event by watching Godzilla vs. Kong and then thinking, "hey, shouldn't I review the other movies first?" This idea of having to review the preceding films has had a spotty record here, since I reviewed Brahams: The Boy II half a year before getting to The Boy, and I haven't covered the original Jacob's Ladder after talking about the awful, awful Jacob's Ladder remake. So why do it now, when it would push this review even further away from being topical? I dunno, man. I guess I just wanted to watch giant monsters punch fight each other again.
I can't do anything easily, can I? I'm already a month late to reviewing Godzilla vs. Kong, and yet I feel the need to start at the beginning of the so-called MonsterVerse cinematic universe with 2014's Godzilla, AKA the one I think is the least good. I mean, it's not the worst Godzilla movie ever--I hate you so much, Gabara and will NEVER forgive you for existing--but of the four films in this new franchise, it's the weakest, in part because it shows as little of Godzilla as possible.