Cube Zero (2004)

Look, I’m still a bit mad about Cube²: Hypercube, but I’m really mad that this is a prequel and not a sequel. Sure, it would be pretty hard to raise the stakes on the insanity that was the previous movie, but YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO CALL THIS MOVIE CUBE³–AKA CUBE CUBED–AND YOU DIDN’T! DISHONOR ON YOU! DISHONOR ON YOUR COW!!

Cube²: Hypercube (2002)

Don’t you love it when a sequel comes out and has practically no cast or crew in common with the original? I don’t! That’s how we get shit like American Psycho II: All American Girl, where a small child kills Patrick Bateman at the very beginning and the rest of the movie is Ms. Mila Kunis killing anyone in the way of her becoming Mr. William Shatner’s teaching assistant! Weird non-sequitur, right? We’ll come back to that…

Cube (1997)

What time is it? Looks like it’s time for a mini-event! I want to cover some trilogies (and a tetralogy or two) so expect bonus posts on Thursdays for a few weeks. And we’re starting with a series near and dear to my heart: Cube! And my “near and dear to my heart,” I mean that I saw the first one something like 20 years ago, vaguely remembered the ending, and never saw the other two. Look, I got a notification that Tubi was removing all three films by the end of July, so that lit a fire under my ass, and here we are.

The Breeding (2018)

The week of “movies I’ve been dragging my feet on watching” is wrapping up, so let's watching something that I was putting off because I knew it would make me uncomfortable! The premise of The Breeding is pretty simple: a white racist kidnaps a black gay man with the intention of torturing him until he submits to being a slave. Thank god this was written/directed by people of color, because if a white man was behind it I would cringe myself into oblivion. Based on that premise alone, I'm reiterating the warning at the top of the page: viewer discretion is advised, because sexual assault and racism against people of color is baked into the premise.

Melancholia (2011)

The week of “movies I’ve been dragging my feet on watching” continues, this time with Melancholia. See, once upon a time I rented this for Movie Night, and we skipped it. We tried to watch it! But the first 8 and a half minutes are just a slow motion recap (precap?) of the movie, and it was so insufferable that we gave up. It’s been at the bottom of my “to watch” list ever since, and now I’ve decided the time has come to see it. But was it any good? Enh… parts of it.

The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb (1964)

The theme this week is "movies I've been dragging my feet on watching." We start by opening the tomb of Mummy Mondays, an event that's been collecting dust since early March. Back before the coronavirus, I'd have people over at my house every Monday for Movie Night, a tradition we had been keeping for over a decade. But actually contracting the virus, social distancing, and high risk jobs have done what years couldn't do: Movie Night is on indefinite hold. I could've watched these Mummy movies by myself at any point, but it's the principle of it, you know? Reviewing this alone means I finally admit that I have no idea when we'll all get together again. But here this is, for better or worse. Mummy Mondays are back! Hooray...

Triassic World (2018)

I warned you all that this was coming. Yes, I’m back talking about another mockbuster from The Asylum, this one being released just days before Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom hit theaters. Both movies are about dinosaurs, both have a hardass woman in charge, and both have an unfortunate lack of likable characters. But this one was directed by my nemesis, gay porn star Dylan Vox. Yes, I’m still mad about Vampire Boys!

Jesus (1999)

Okay, so why I picked this particular movie might need a bit of explaining… First off, as I mentioned in Dead & Breakfast review, I love Mr. Jeremy Sisto. A while ago I was browsing through his IMDB page and saw that he played Jesus–as in the son of God–in a TV miniseries. I had to see it! That was a few years ago, and I finally managed to stumble upon it recently. And I knew I’d have to review it.